have to laugh....

....because if i don't laugh, i will cry.

let me back up a bit. we've been killing ourselves for the last year to pay off all of our debt. we are oh, so very, very close. as in, within a month, it should all be done. i've felt the brunt of this crunch more than others in the house, and i did it on purpose to a point. and i was okay with that. much of that debt was mine anyway. so about 3 weeks ago, it became more than i could handle. all of the stress, the worrying, and some other issues came to a head all at one time and i lost it. lost it, as in ready to run away from home and not come back until i could see halfway straight. i managed to make it thru that weekend and get my head together and shove on. i've slowly put myself into a better frame of mind, even if it is a fairly fragile better state of mind.

talked to dh earlier today...seems that he broke the headlight dimmer switch on the 65 falcon yesterday when he was replacing the kick panels. oops. he had to hardwire the lights to the battery this morning to get to work at 5:30. he was able to swing by autozone and get the parts to fix it this morning, so all is good there.

tonight, i'm doing the standard homework, dinner, cleanup, etc with the kids. dh is at work. rotten1 and i are about to finish up his pueblo project, rotten2 is attempting a fema-scale cleanup of her room. and dh calls. seems he's lost his keys somewhere between a hospital or five, an ambulance, and god only knows where. okay, no problem. gather kids, find extra set of keys, drive 45 minutes to give him the keys. we get there, i meet a few of his co-workers, we chat and no big deal. it's about 8pm and i am ready to get back to the house because the kids still need baths and such before bedtime.

i get in the jeep thing, start it up, back it out, leave the parking lot and get to the light. and the fucker doesn't want to go. i finally get it moving and head toward the highway - 35 miles from home. then my radio goes out, my headlights dim to nearly nothing and the fucker doesn't want to go again. i whip into the nearest gas station, dh wondering what the hell i'm doing. and the jeep thing dies. *sigh* we finally pop the clutch and off i go....sort of. it looks like i can't drive a standard worth a shit for a moment, then it's all good. as i drive, with no radio (that sucked) and no a/c, things slowly get dimmer and dimmer....and i'm holding the gas pedal to the floor to maintain speeds of 55-60mph. about 12 miles from home, i exit off the second highway for the little farm to market road......and the truck craps again.

here we are, on a two lane road in the total darkness and cars going by fairly regularly (one or two every minute or so). all i can think of is the news story from sunday where a woman and her daughter were hit and the woman killed while trying to get her broken down car off the road. dh finally gets the jeep jumped off and off i go. that lasts all of about 6 miles. right down the road from the fire station. so we jump it off again and i head for home....at this point, i'm driving with no headlights, half on the grass and half on the road, using dh's headlights to see. sort of. i cross the 4 lane highway with only enough pause to make sure the road was clear and over onto the shoulder....still no headlights. by this time, it's 9:30 and the kids are getting cranky. so is dh. i want to, but i'm so focused on not letting the jeep thing die, i can't think of anything else. i manage to damn near fred flinstone the jeep thing the last 3 miles - i swear, if i had feathered that gas pedal anymore or any faster, my foot would have needed wings. by the grace of god, a miracle or just plain bad luck i managed to get into our yard. couldn't get into the driveway, but hell.....i was home. and the jeep thing died as the back bumper was less than 2 feet onto our property. dh hooked the battery charger to it, declared the alternator officially dead gone and in alternator heaven and realized that not only had he not eaten since about noon (he's diabetic). then realized that his phone was missing. it has to get better, right? so i find him a snack, he manages to get the jeep charged enough to get it out of the yard and into its rightful place in the driveway, and he heads back out to find his phone.....it has to be near the fire station because i'd talked to him not long before that. the kids manage to almost put themselves to bed and i kissed them goodnight. it's now around 10 and dh is back, with his phone still in one piece.

all in all, i know that i ran three stop signs, ran a flashing red light, drove for over 10 miles with no headlights and about 15 miles before that with headlights so dim, i doubt anyone could see them anyway. i was speeding in some areas to keep the jeep thing moving along steadily and obstructing traffic in other areas because the little engine that could was still attempting to chug along. i passed one state trooper who was on the opposite side of the highway, back when the headlights were halfway working.

as of 10:45, i've called in to work tomorrow (i needed a day off anyway) because the jeep thing isn't getting fixed tonight, dh finally got some dinner, the kids went to bed without baths, and if i don't laugh, i'll cry. or end up in a mental ward. and according to autozone.com, the alternator is $115. dammit.