Warning: Emotional Post

Warning: Emotional Post Ahead. Please check all baggage at the gate and leave your floaties behind. It's about to get deep.

The more time passes since last Monday, the more I am able to sort through the emotions surrounding me. While I was not a victim of Katrina by any real stretch of the imagination (other than a 40 cent per gallon gas increase), it's outreaching waves did touch my house, my life, and my community.

My children are no longer naive. They now realize, at 5 and 7, that people really do lose everything and there's nothing that can be done to stop it. That even though I have had them donate to womens shelters several times a year, have had my father live with us for two years to keep him from living on the streets, and have spoken with them about children and families that have no home or toys or food - it's not been enough. It never became real to them until they saw the evacuees of New Orleans and surrounding areas here. In our own community. I've shielded them from the most graphic scenes, but they have watched the city flood. They have seen the coastline of Mississippi leveled. They have seen the debris left behind by a fallen home. And they now know that it happens. To people. Just.like.us. And they want to know why. I've abated some of the questions as purely weather related - a hurricane is Mother Nature's doing. People can't do anything about it. I've calmed the fears by having them help collect and sort donations. They have gone through their toys and found ones that they don't play with, ones that another child "needs." They have donated from their piggybanks to the Salvation Army. And it's been their choice. My son was in tears because he couldn't go to the campgrounds to play with these children who have nothing left in their lives but their parents. My daughter has wrapped her little brain around some of the facts and come away with the knowledge that sometimes Mommy and Daddy can't protect them from everything. At 5 and 7, these aren't things I would choose to teach them. I'd love to have preserved their innocence a bit longer. But, it wasn't to be. And, in a way, I'm glad. They are growing up in a home that holds community and love up as an offering, something to be a part of, to take care of. And now, they understand why a bit more. It's a lesson I never could have taught them on my own. In a way, I'm angry. And I'm sad. And a bit uncomfortable with it all.

I have even lost a bit of innocence that I clung to. Somehow, even after 9/11, I held on to the belief that if something tragic were to happen to our country, we'd survive, the government and our fellow countrymen would take care of us. And to a point, that has happened. Much more in the last 5 days than in the first 3 following Katrina's wrath. I still do not understand why it had to take so long. And why so many had to die. And I hate it. I hate that people died for little reason. I hate the fact that people were left to die in hospitals. I hate the fact that people could not or chose not to leave for whatever reason. I hate the idea that some felt like they had no other choice. I'm angry that it had to pan out this way.

As you all know, my husband went down to New Orleans twice. He and others from his company evacuated many from hospitals, nursing homes, and step down hospitals. These people had no way of evacuating. Two things really upset and anger me about this. First of all, why were these not some of the first places evacuated when the Hurricane was shown to be heading for the Gulf Coast and New Orleans three days earlier? Second, why were some of these people left for dead? How in the hell can nurses and doctors walk away from patients that they have taken an oath to assist? I just do not understand it. I cannot comprehend it. And to put first responders from Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, and many other states at risk to rescue these people just boggles my mind. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if the hadn't had to worry about the looters and shooters. But to have military and Department of Defense contractors as their armed guards....it just isn't right. There are no other words for it. And now, I sit here waiting on the phone call that says even though the evacuations are pretty well completed for the hospitals and all across the three states...my husband may be heading out to Louisiana or Mississippi at a moments notice to relieve others there and provide non-critical care to those still in the areas.

In the beginning, I was extremely angry with President Bush for his lack of response. Hanging out on vacation for a couple more days and then making a big show of flying over the horrid areas after he'd cut his vacation short by two days. And I'm still angry. He's the final stop in the chain of command. If others in lower positions couldn't handle it, he should have been available to step in and make the decisions to get things done. And that is the primary source of my anger towards him. It was lessened a bit by the realization a day or two ago that the federal government sent the Governor of Louisiana a legal proposal for assisting in evacuation of New Orleans and surrounding areas that was turned down. I still cannot get past the shock, anger, and pure ire that rises in me to know that there was an offer of help prior to the loss of life, the destruction, the anarchy that happened in that area. The stupidity of some continues to amaze me. To turn down the offer because it was too close to martial law? What.the.fuck. Martial law was declared Monday afternoon/evening. Lots of good it did to keep that from happening, hunh, Gov. Blanco?

And then there's the whole FEMA/Department of Homeland Security issue...The Dept of Homeland Security was formed after 9/11 to protect this country, to plan for disaster. FEMA was restructured, gutted, and re-born with one of their primary objectives being a plan to evacuate a major city in the time of disaster. Where the hell was FEMA during the first couple of days??? I realize it takes time to organize troops and get them on the road and into the city. BUT. They had warning. It's not like Katrina just popped up off the Gulf Coast and slammed into Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama all within 12 hours. And for the idiots to stand around with their thumbs up their asses and not be able to figure out that CNN was reporting live and telling them where people were...ugh. If I could figure it out, you'd think they could too. It's not like MSNBC was making up the footage of thousands of evacuees hiding at the NO Convention Center.

And then...there's the news coverage. I realize the NO was 80% under water due to the levee break. But...why is New Orleans getting 95% of the news coverage? Many towns outside of New Orleans - in Louisiana and Mississippi were leveled. Looters went beyond downtown NO. Hell, they were in small towns across the Gulf Coast. They even stole vans from NEW YORK and DROVE DOWN TO LOUISIANA!!!! Homes, towns were gone....and where were the reporters? Hovering in New Orleans. Why were they not giving equal coverage to the other affected areas? Are those areas less important? Is there damage any less? Are their lives worth little? Are the rescues not needed?

The bright spot in much of this for me has been Mayor Nagin. He may not have done everything he could, but as Mayor, I'm not real sure what his capabilities were. What surprised me was that he actually stayed in New Orleans for the storm. He didn't leave his people. And in the aftermath, he continued to stand with his city in a falling down Hyatt with no water, no electricity and minimal food. His conditions were better than those in the Superdome or on their rooftops, but you know what? He was there. He was trying to get help. He made public pleas for assistance. And probably most upstanding of all? He called out the Governor and the President and FEMA for their lack of assistance, the lack of communication, the chaos of it all. He wasn't afraid to display his anger, his sadness, his remorse. He wasn't afraid to speak up as the voice of those in downtown, in the Superdome, in the Convention Center and those who had evacuated prior to Katrina. Finally, even if only for a few brief days, we have a politician, an elected official willing to tell the truth and to speak out. I swear, if this man runs for Governor, Senator, or even higher - he's got a better publicity rating going that Rudy did in New York. And now, to realize that he has had to once again issue a mandatory evacuation order, possibly involving force to get people to leave their homes due to major health hazards...shows that he is willing and able to take care of his own people in their time of need. He has not left them. And that says a lot. Even if he screws up, he's there. And the man is trying. Which, unfortunately, is more than I can say for many.

There it is. Anger, sadness, despair, frustration...and lack of emotion. All rolled into one. What am I going to do about it all? Right now, I'm channelling it all into our county. Over 200 people are here. And they need help. So I'm helping. Beyond that...I'm not sure. That's one I'm still sorting through in my mind. But, for now, suffice it to say, Katrina has changed the way my husband and I will live our lives.