In the last few years, I've tried to keep the lines of communication open with the kids. Yes, I know, they are only 5 & 7 (alright, almost 6 & 8), but I firmly believe that what is introduced now can help carry them through the rest of their lives. And if they are able to be open and honest with me now and feel free to ask any question or say anything without fear of getting in trouble for expressing opinions, I might have a bit of an edge as they near their teenage years. And we all remember the tampons, sex and body name game of a few weeks ago. Well, between that and the most recent string of conversations, I'm beginning to rethink this whole theory for my own personal sanity. Most recently? They hate their dad's girlfriend. Yeah, I know, what kid doesn't hate a bit of competition for a parent's attention. But that's not it. She doesn't cook good food, she doesn't clean her house like me or their grandma, her bras hang off all her doors, her kids don't respect their toys, and oh yea - did the Rottens mention that they hate her? And they want ME to talk to their dad for them because they are afraid dad will get mad or spank them or something equally as awful. I've refused to talk to him about this unless it is a matter of child safety or serious emotional/physical neglect or something along those lines. I can't interfere or tell him who to date. And there is no real reason to keep the kids from being around her....besides the fact that she is lazy, doesn't work, has 3 kids under the age of 7 and lives on my tax dollars. So yesterday, the kids confronted their dad. He had no response.
And now I remember why I am open and honest with my kids. They now refuse to go see him because he won't talk to them about their opinions and thoughts. Yep. That came straight out of Rotten1's mouth. He's getting entirely too big for his britches these days. Meanwhile, Rotten2 says Daddy won't listen to her.
So is it wrong of me to allow my kids to express themselves to me in the manner I do? I will allow "bad" words (ie stupid, dumb, etc) in certain situations, I expect them to talk to me about their emotions, I require talking as part of punishment to ensure they understand what they did and why they are being punished, and I try to listen to what they have to say no matter what I may think or how trivial it seems. In return, I'm rewarded with their trust and the occasional "Can I ask you something" that is more and more dangerous as we go.
14 comments:
I'm not a Mom but I have always found with my friends and their kids that an open line of communication is always a good thing. It also teaches them strength and the ability to speak for themselves when they grow into adults. I'm all for open lines. Just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean they don't think about it (whatever it might be)
You are doing the right thing. I am the same as you. It's up to him to decide how he wants to handle his kids. You can't force him to be the same unless he wants to be. Tell the kids that daddy just doesn't discuss these things like mommy does and that not all adults are willing to treat children like you do.
(I think! Hmmm, did I express that clearly? I haven't had my coffee yet.)
{{{hugs}}}
You're doing the right thing. You want your kids to be able to come to you with anything. I remind Ayla of that all the time. *smooch* You're a good mom.
Oh believe me, the two have realized rather quickly on their own that not everyone will allow them to express their thoughts, opinions and feelings the way I (and even DH to a point) do. DH (occasionally) and I are about the only ones who think this way. DH's Dad does too, but they aren't around him nearly enough for it to make much of a difference.
You are a good mom. *smooch*
I'm not a mom yet, but I really respect your way of raising the kids and hope to take some of this with me when I raise my own. Your a great mom! I have seen you in action. Keep up the good work!
Two things:
I think it is great that you have such a great relationship/communication with your Rottens (did I ever say what a cute nickname I think the Rottens are?)
However when it comes to their dad, it's different. He's not a worse parent, just different (OK, I kinda think he's a worse parent, but that is beside the point). My parents divorced when I was 4 and I shuttled back and forth. Now, that I am older, I am so grateful to my mom (and grandma) for the way they handled my somewhat self absorbed, irresponsible father. They would point out his good qualities-he was a lot of fun, he took me on great trips, he had tonnes of friends (with kids my age), he knew a bunch of cool stuff about birds. When I complained about something, my mom just said "Well, that's how things work at your dad's place" or " That's NOT how things work here". I think sometimes it must have killed her to say nothing, but I had a good relationship with my dad because of her.
I try to do that Bob, and you're very right - it can be extremely difficult. I have even attempted to find some good qualities in their Dad's almost live-in girlfriend. They just don't want to see it right now. *sigh*
I, too, use the "That's your Dads way of doing things" lines.
Parenting isn't fun sometimes.
Momma, I think that what you do is the best way to do things; it's a shame your kids have to be disappointed by their dad.
Keep up the openness towards your kids and the neutrality towards your ex, and with any luck things will work out.
*big smooch*
I think you are doing the right thing. Obviously you and the kids are dealing with the problem, so now it's left between them & dad. Since they've told dad, he should know why there issues next time they don't want to go see him. Then it's up to him to work it out.
If he can't seem to deal with it on his own, maybe a sit down with you, dad & the kids is in order. Let them know that we all encounter people that treat us in ways contrary to how we'd like to be treated. All we can do is change the way we deal with the situation. Tell them it's part of growing up, and you'll be happy to help them try to work through this.
You can tell I don't have kids. It's always easier from the outside looking in.
I, however, can definitely say you are a rockin' mom.
I'm impressed with your mommy skills.
Good work, Momma, good work.
(And I like very much the boundries you have set up with your ex.)
edit to clarify, the comment on "It's NOT how things are done here" was in response to me trying to do something at my mom's I could get away with at my dad's.
I think this makes you the bestest Momma in the world. :) *smooches*
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